WINTER 2022
Page 2
Wirral Infirmer flyer 99
Birkenhead vision of the future revealed
More stunning artist’s impressions of how Birkenhead town centre and its environs could be transformed by 2125 have finally been released.
Wirral Council has released a set of artist inspired paintings of what could prove to be a vision of the future for Birkenhead, if the right investment is secured.
The pictures, commissioned by the council for a snip at just under £249,000, are by an Nigerian-Italian painter – Eyyama Pizartizte – who, like Marcel Duchamp is famous for his realistic depictions of urinals.
BIRKENHEAD LIDL SET TO CLOSE
The new store on Oxton Road, Birkenhead is set to close before it opens on Thursday 22nd February with the loss of no jobs.
‘Local’ MP Frank Field and Wirral council ‘leader’ Philip Davies will jointly cut the ribbon on ‘an exciting new closing venture for the town’ – and German supermarket Lidl have promised a spectacular closing ceremony which will see the roof of the building set on fire by local building insurance specialists – several 12-year-old arson ninjas, dressed head to toe in black – who are believed to have been hired in at great expense by Wirral Council.
The new supermarket, which has been two years in the making, is expected to burn down within 30 minutes, and should be a big draw for Birkonions looking for a bit of excitement at 8am on Thursday morning. It is believed Lidl staff who thought they would be starting work will be handing out samples of stock they presumed they would be selling to people who thought they would be paying customers.
‘This is great news for Birkenhead’s undevelopment,” said a council spokesperson, “There will be no job losses as technically the store never opened.”
Once the closing ceremony is complete, the newly derelict land will take pride of place in Wirral Council’s long-term ‘Wirral Degeneration Project’ (WDP), the grand plan of comprehensive 24/7 car park charges, higher business rates and takeaway drive-thrus that will see every major retailer in Birkenhead leave the town – paving the way for it to be cleared for the construction of a Chinese nuclear power station-cum-casino.
‘We’re expecting a large crowds for this event,’ revealed a council spokesperson, ‘Normally the roof fires we traditionally see in Wirral are done late at night without witnesses – on old buildings that need to be cleared by the local authority so some cheaply made homes can be bodged up by firms who, how should I put it? – have ‘connections’ to certain employees in said local authority,’ before quipping, ‘I’m talking theoretically of course!’
Pictured:
How the derelict site will look when what remains of the supermarket is demolished:
A strange local tale for Halloween
“THERE’S A BED-WETTING GHOST IN MY HOUSE”
As told to someone not unlike Tom Sleman
Victim baffled and frightened by strange urinary happenings in house of fear.
A BIRKENHEAD man has revealed he is terrified of going back home alone to his flat, as it is plagued by a ghostly spectre.
The ghostly urinary apparition?
Tea won’t help with a bed-wetting ghost…
The panic-stricken victim – who wishes to remain anonymous – has reportedly been preyed on by a poltergeist that he believes has caused a catalogue of destruction in his home. The man says that each and every time he has returned from his local to his home after a few tipples, he has been visited by a terrifying spectre.
Plagued by bed-wetting ghost
The man explained, “Three times I had gone to the pub on separate nights and when I got home – going to bed after a few nightcaps – I woke up three times again – on the very same nights – and realised a terrifying phantom had soaked my bed with urine again.”
The man remembers that before he fell asleep he clearly saw a spectre zipping up his flies and vanish through the wall laughing in a ghoulish manner, and that it was the culmination of a series of strange events that had occurred in the house, which started with the petrified victim hearing whispered voices, doors would slam without any explanation and cups would be found smashed on the kitchen floor in the morning. Other paranormal activity involved teleportation – with household items inexplicably moving around the house, and actually disappearing.
Extraordinary paranormal activity witnessed by victim
Another night the man was cooking a post-pub fry-up in his kitchen when something grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him round, scattering crockery across the tiles, before squeezing his neck and repeatedly calling him a ‘every filthy name under the sun.’ Panicking, the man threw himself down the steps of his back door to be rid of the demon haunting him, and several hours later he awoke in his back garden as the sun came up – alone.
The final straw came after he ate a King Prawn Phal following a very pleasant day at a cider festival. The last thing the man remembered was ‘a very strange feeling’ coming over him. “I distinctly felt something pass through me,” he revealed.
He awoke in the morning in a cold, trembling sweat on the couch and went into the kitchen to make a coffee – only to be greeted by a scene of total devastation. The drinks cabinet, which had been padlocked by his wife, was smashed open and all the drink mysteriously taken. The wicked ghost had also savagely kicked the back door off its hinges, all the crockery was smashed into bits on the floor and the sink had been excreted into.
“I realised the evil ghost had struck again – there had been a massive psychological disturbance in the force. I was very frightened and it was there and then I decided to call in the experts,” the man admitted, “As a last resort he rang the one man who could help – paranormalist Derek Akorah.”
The legendary ghost hunter had already sensed that there was a terrifying force emanating from Wirral, and luckily for our victim, was expecting a call from the area.
The frightened man continued: “To his credit, even though Derek is deluged with requests for help every day, he rang me back straight-away and said the story was too good to pass up and he would help cure me and exorcise this demon from my home.”
Keeping his word, sure enough Mr Akorah was round within the hour accompanied by a camera crew.
“Thank God he came, because it was putting a tremendous strain on my marriage,” revealed the anxious man, “My wife has never seen the ghost herself, she thinks I’ve gone mad and that I’ve made the whole thing up, and has moved back into her parents.”
“I had it narrowed down to somewhere in the North West,” the Southport-based paranormalist said, “So it was no surprise to me when I got the call – and without resorting to hyperbole – this story is so shocking it may come from the very bowels of Lucifer – and it could prove to be a gateway into hell itself.”
“The terrifying catalogue of the unexplained at the Birkenhead house from hell:
– ‘something’ brushing against him in the kitchen, racket downstairs, doors slammed, crockery smashed, multiple bed wettings, victim’s sink and pants shat in.”
Although there were no other witnesses to corroborate these shocking events, and so far the mysterious bed-wetting, cup-smashing spectre has so far evaded Akorah’s film crew, the paramentalist extraordinaire believes they will catch it in time.
“Ghosts are very clever and won’t just appear any old time on camera for you,” revealed Akorah, “However, we have to accept that all the available evidence points to something ‘very, very strange’ occurring at this property that no-one can really explain.
Raising his hands to the ceiling and facing the wall of the man’s cursed kitchen, Akorah shouted in a booming voice; “Spectre. I am speaking to you. I know you are hiding from me as you fear my powers. But I do vow, here and now – that we will return in exactly one year’s time to see if you appear again – whatever form you take (as ghost’s often do that in a lot of the stories I’ve read) – and we will ensure that finally – you will be begone from this poor man’s house.”
Until that date comes around in exactly one year’s time, the psychic investigator cannot substantiate any of the claims as there is no film or corroboration from other witnesses to these ghastly events – so this case is officially listed in the Akorah files as ‘Unsolved Pissings.’
“A urinating ghost is unprecedented in this area, although there was once a case in Wigan which involved ghostly semen being found in a young couples’ house,” said Akorah.
THERE’S A GHOST PISSING IN MY HOUSE with DEREK AKORAH begins on
UKMost-Bollocks-2 at 3.30am from Wednesday 31st June.
PICS: How the ghastly apparition may have appeared
Worried man: Tea won’t help when there’s a bedwetting ghost around
Volume 2 of top rated Wirral Bowie album out now…
Now that’s what I call the best Bowie album in the Wirral ever! gets its 9th airing..
WIRRAL GANG ‘STILL TERRORISING LOCALS’
The large gang that have been terrorising many Wirral communities is still in operation across the region, it has been revealed.
The gang, who dress in black, have recently been making resident’s lives a misery by racing up and down Wirral’s sky in a helicopter every night.
Footage shot by fed-up neighbours shows the gang’s helicopter waking everyone up in the early hours of the morning, as well turning sirens on their cars in order to pick up takeaway orders at 3am.
“I work early mornings,” said one Tranmere resident who is keeping a log of the incidents, “And I’ve got to put up with this racket every summer as this gang decide to get their favourite toy out to play with every night.”
One of the most sinister incidents, caught on camera on August 20th, sees the ‘bold as brass’ gang attempting to smash down a resident’s front door in broad daylight.
“When I answered the door, at first I thought they were them Mormon lads ‘cos they were all dressed in black, then I thought they might be in fancy dress tribute to that Men In Black film,” revealed one local drug dealer, “But when I slammed the door shut they broke it down.”
The gang, known as ‘Merseyside Police,’ are said to be very well organised and have a distinct hierarchical system – based on expenses. Generally, those at the top of the tree claim the most of taxpayer’s money and those at the bottom claim the least.
The general public have been warned not to approach such gang members, as they can be very aggressive, especially if a takeaway has run out of their favourite meal.
How to spot a ‘police gang’ member:
1) They usually dress in black, wear black caps often pulled down. Some have a rubber fetish,
2) Have been known to be armed,
3) Have an arrogant, aggressive attitude, especially towards minorities,
4) Travel around in pairs, often in cars, rarely seen on foot,
5) Can be responsible for anti-social behaviour, especially during their Christmas do,
6) Tend to hang around fast food eateries.
‘POPULAR’ BIRKENHEAD MICRO PUB CLOSED DOWN
Birkenhead’s very first pop-up micro pub has been closed by the council on health and safety grounds after failing to comply with licensing regulations.
The outdoor waterhole – just off Borough Road near the town centre – was popular with morning and afternoon drinkers, but has now been shut by licensing officers from Wirral council after receiving advice from police. Situated just outside the alcohol ban bye-law area of the town centre, the micro pub featured a large outdoor play area and plenty of benches. Other facilities included a bin.
The premises – which was still waiting for CAMRA approval – served incredibly competitively priced ‘cask vodka’, artisan hand pumped ‘white’ cider, and genuine Polish – and was open Monday to Friday, 8am to 4pm or until the police arrive.
Council officials said that when challenged, the site did not provide a proper alcoholic license certificate, and the owner’s presentation of a what appeared to be a hastily written ‘This pub has a licence, signed, by order of Wirral Council,’ on the back of a urine-stained cigarette packet did not fool eagle-eyed licensing officers, who said it ‘was clearly not a legal document’ and therefore the pub had to close.
However, the micro-pub’s regulars blasted the decision, with one saying, “This is typical of council busybodies who try to shut down any initiatives shown by locals that decide to start up a small business.”
Another said, “Its such a shame it had to close, it was a valuable ‘Big Society’ asset to the economy of Wirral and people flocked to it – for many it was like a home from home, like a large sitting room – only outdoors.”
Sad: The now derelict site of the former micro-pub: 
MERSEYTRAVEL’S HIT NEW PLAY TO GO ON PERMANENT RUN
Merseytravel’s latest production of ‘7 Quid to Cross The Mersey’ has had such rave reviews from Merseytravel accountants that it will be extended into a permanent run.
The play revolves around the successful closure of the last cross-river night bus service, which was proving to be commercially unsustainable.
The story tells of depression after a night out in Liverpool that has gone wrong, when a lone traveller with a return ticket to Birkenhead is suddenly thrown into poverty.
Forgetting momentarily that he doesn’t live in a 21st century top six economy with travel services that should be the envy of the world, the unwary Saveaway user inadvertently misses the last bus or train back to Wirral and is forced to shell out for a taxi to the end of the tunnel and walk the rest of the way home.
A Merseytravel spokesperson said that if the production of the closure of the cross-river bus 500 and 501 routes proves to be a success in the long term – taking the region’s transport back to pre-Victorian times – then they may roll out the initiative to other under-used bus services – such as on Monday to Saturday between the hours of 9.30am and 4pm, and all Sunday buses.
CLOSURE OF LYNDALE WILL SECURE TAXI FUNDING FOR COUNCILLORS ‘FOR YEARS TO COME’
The closing of a care school for children with complex care needs could save upwards of £300,000, and provide much needed funds for council taxis for up to ten years, a financial report published by a firm of private consultants expensively commissioned by Wirral Council has revealed.
Despite being praised by Ofsted inspectors as recently as 2012, the Lyndale school, which provides education and high quality intensive care for 23 pupils with profound and multiple learning difficulties, is set to close when council funding ends.
The decision to close Lyndale, follows a unanimous vote taken Wirral Council’s ruling cabinet, many of whom have profound and multiple difficulties in learning and understanding the needs and values of the local population.
It is believed that councillors in the main three parties are now so delusional they actually think it is acceptable to travel around the area in taxis rather than being forced to take the bus or train like ratepayers, never mind the fact they can claim travel expenses back – unlike the people who pay their wages.
A council spokesperson said of the vote: “In these trying financial times, we have to weigh up and balance the financial situation, and we have to make some very difficult decisions that we don’t really want to make. Therefore, it is with a sad heart that we decided that during this recession, we have to draw a red line somewhere. So, we are offering this guarantee to the people of Wirral, your council will ensure that vital private hire services are maintained for councillors at this difficult time – many of whom are struggling under a weight of expense claims. Councillors shouldn’t have to rely on public transport – because it is shit. And we should know, we hep to make it shit. We would be late for crucial votes on what to shut down next all the time, we wouldn’t make it in time for that flight from the airport to some expensive foreign bound junket at ratepayers expense. Need I go on?”
“It really is that simple – its a no brainer really, I’m not sure how I can put this in a more succinct way,” the council spokesperson patiently continued, “We, in the council – are MORE IMPORTANT than disabled children. Do you understand me? We, the council rulers of this region, need to be able to get around Wirral to important meetings that decide on which vital public services to shut – in safe, quick – and crucially FREE way, rather than pay for our own travel like most other people do. This is more important than providing care for children with learning difficulties – many of whom wouldn’t know the first thing about closing libraries, public toilets or youth centres. Do I have to explain myself any more? Now get out of my way, my taxi is waiting.”
<< Your cut out ‘n’ keep taxi receipt (for legitimate council purposes only)
The Wirral Infirmer 